- Focus your statements on the child's actions and efforts rather than characteristics. It's better to say something like, "I can tell you worked really hard on that," instead of, "You're so smart." Studies have shown that when children are praised for their efforts and later encountered difficult problems where they faced the possibility of failure they tended to work harder and kept trying. The same studies showed that when children were told something like how smart they were but later encountered a difficult problem with the possibility of failure they gave up. The children who were praised for being smart quit working because they didn't want to risk losing approval for not being able to complete a task
- Try to engage in discussion rather than use evaluative praise. A good example is children's art work. Rather than just say a picture is pretty, ask the child to tell you about it. This does a couple of things. Rather than having a brief interaction, you're now spending some quality time with your child. You may gain some insight into things that are important to your child by listening to things they are describing. You're also fostering important brain development by having your child describe things to you. Whether the child is 3 or 13, this type of interaction is meaningful. You're building your child's self esteem when you show them they're important enough to listen to.
- Praise good behavior. When a child does something you like, acknowledge it. "I really appreciate how you made your bed today."
- Praise small improvements. Everyone learns by trial and error. Sometimes you may be working on improving a behavior. Praising steps in the right direction gives encouragement to keep trying.
- Be a good example. It's much easier to copy a behavior than it is to develop a new one by yourself. Make sure you do the things you want your child to do so you can praise them. Don't do the things you want them to avoid.
- Catch your child doing something good. Surprise your child once in a while by noticing when they do something right and saying so.
WARNINGS:
TIPS ON DISCIPLINE (ARTICLE 3)
Understand and memorize' the discipline mnemonic which comes directly from the book "Parenting Young Children", (STEP, page 94):
D-I-S-C-I-P-L-I-N-E:
D-distract the child
I-ignore misbehavior
S-structure the environment
C-control the behavior
I-involve the child
P-plan time for loving
L-let go
I-increase your consistency
N-notice positive behavior
E-excuse the child with a time-out.
Always remain calm and be prepared to repeat yourself. Repetition and consistency is the name of the game when it comes to small children. Being tired or hungry can cause a lot of crankiness in young children.
Be a good example. Do you want your child to say please and thank you? Make sure your child sees you saying please and thank you in all your interactions. (Even with them.) Do you want your child to remain calm when things don't go according to plan? Make sure they see you doing that yourself.
One thing learned from having a child with Asperger's Syndrome is to never create a vacuum. Telling a child not to do something doesn't always mean they will be able to think of something else to do which is acceptable on their own. (The child may then become frustrated and have a tantrum.)
Offer other acceptable options when telling a child to stop doing something you don't like. If a toddler has something which you don't want them to have, take it away but give the child an acceptable toy in return. (Then get the object out of sight.)
The STEP books encourage parents to say 'yes' as much as possible. If the child wants something which isn't acceptable, try to find a way to offer something that is.
Give the child choices. Start with small choices when the child is young and allow the child more choices as they grow. (From "Parenting with Love and Logic".) The basic goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults who make good choices. They aren't magically going to become that way if they haven't been able to make any choices as they grow up.) A young child may be allowed to make the choice to be carried to bed or to walk on his/her own. An older child may be allowed to choose what clothes to wear that day.
Be prepared to make the choice for the child if they are unable or unwilling to make the choice in the difficult situation.
Learn about parenting styles. Your child will make their own choices about behavior which will ultimately be their responsibility. You can influence your child's behavior by how you interact with them. Are you going to be the parent who is always bailing a child out of problems? Are you going to be the parent who is a dictator in the house and always telling everyone what to do? Research seems to support a style where children can make choices but also experience the consequences. In order to have influence over someone else's behavior, it is a good idea to examine your own. The parenting books mentioned above cover this ground.
Learn and practice healthy communication skills. Learn how to be a good listener and empathize. If your child is having a hard time do you empathize with how upset they are or do you tell them to just be quiet? It's possible to be empathetic while enforcing rules. The parenting books mentioned above cover this ground. A book titled "People Skills" by Robert Bolton is good for teaching communication skills.
All behavior occurs in order to meet some kind of want or need. These needs may be met in productive or unproductive ways. If you can try to understand what need your child is trying to fill perhaps you can find a way to help your child meet that need with a more productive behavior. The idea is to replace behaviors you don't want to have happen with behaviors that are acceptable (give choices for acceptable alternatives).
Teach children the rules and expectations up front. They can't follow a rule if they don't know about it. If a situation comes up where things don't happen the way you would like but it may not have been clear to the child what you wanted, use the opportunity to teach. Go over with the child what you would like to have happen in the future.
It will happen that either you or your child are upset. Most people have heard of the fight or flight response. When things don't go as expected the fight or flight response can be activated. (This is part of the unconscious nervous system known as the sympathetic nervous system.) Physical clues this has happened are increased heart rate and a tight feeling in the stomach. Chemical messengers released into the blood are responsible for these physical changes. It takes time for these chemical messengers to be metabolized and deactivated after they're released. There really isn't much point in trying to reason with someone when they're upset. (It's like trying to have a reasonable conversation with someone who is intoxicated.) If possible, taking a 20 minute break will allow everyone to calm down and makes for better problem solving. Giving your children the time to calm down or taking the time yourself before dealing with an issue will teach them a valuable skill in dealing with feelings that will benefit them their entire lives.
Time outs are mostly for calming down, not for punishment. Limiting time outs to 1 minute for each year of age seems to be a good guideline.
Myelination of the nerve fibers is what allows an individual to consciously control their muscles. Potty training before two years old is not recommended because there is typically not enough myelination to allow the child to control the bladder.
DONTS' REGARDING DISCIPLINE
Abusive behavior includes hitting, slapping, yelling, and calling names. Avoid these behaviors. If you live in an environment where these things take place it is going to affect your child and their behavior. Why do people use these methods? Because they are immediately effective in the short term. The drawback is that they have negative side effects. The relationship where these tactics are used becomes damaged. These methods may result in children who are overly aggressive.
Don't offer choices when there are none. Sometimes choices are not possible.
Parenting is a partnership. Extreme viewpoints put the responsibility for a child's behavior either entirely on the shoulders of the parents or entirely on the shoulders of the child. There are many factors which come into play when it comes to behavior. Situations need to be looked at on a case-by-case basis. If you are experiencing extremes in behavior it is a good idea to consult a professional.
HOW TO KEEP CHILDREN ENTERTAINED WHILE CLEANING (ARTICLE 4)
While you are cleaning, are your little ones underfoot and making more messes that you must clean up? Have you ever thought that they might just want to do what you are doing? Small children learn best when doing things along with the one caring for them. You can entertain and teach a small child how to clean by making a game out of it!
STEPS:
A good cleaning game for a small child is chasing dust bunnies. These are the little dust animals that are hiding in the oddest places. As you are cleaning up, entertain a child with a washrag that is only theirs, making a big deal out if it being theirs. If a child has something that no one else has, that's a big deal to them. If need be, write their names on it.
Now it's time to chase dust bunnies. Tell a story as your child is dusting along with you. Explain why dust bunnies are hiding under the couch, under the kitchen table, and occupying all these little places that a 2-3 year old child can get to. Also
Have a cleaning race. Pick a room for yourself to clean, and a small area, cupboard, closet, etc., for your child to clean. Explain exactly what needs to be cleaned, so they know what needs to be done in order to win. Get in your 'cleaning areas.' Shout "Ready? Set? Go!" The little one will start cleaning as fast as they can. This will make the chores go by faster for your child and for you
Don't forget to make a big deal out of their help. Little ones are the most helpful when they know they are helping
TIPS:
If you are cleaning the kitchen, find places for a child to clean along with you. Talk about how clean everything is going to look with their help. By the time they are older and cleaning for real, you have made good memories with them. Chores can be the biggest entertainment (when they don't look like chores), and you can play the cleaning game for years. Dust bunnies beware!
If babies are involved, consider investing in a baby carrier, and sort of backpack you can strap on to you and hold the baby inside. Also add some music too. It will make them enjoy the work more.
WARNINGS:
A small child can tire out easily, so don't push them to help more than they are willing to. Do not get upset with them if they end up making a bigger mess instead of actually cleaning up. The whole idea is to entertain them while also getting some housework done. Children who start early as "Mommy or Daddy's Big Helper" learn teamwork and pride in a job well done. Praise from a parent means more to a child than we will ever know! When everything is done, don't forget to give the young ones a treat. Older helpers get lots of praise and maybe a small treat.
One thing you must not do is pay them for their help. If you pay children for doing chores, it will become a habit, and when they are older, they will only do chores if they feel they are being "hired".
If small children are around, do not have them help while doing certain chores, like cleaning the bathroom, scrubbing the kitchen floor, etc, as those cleaning products may involve chemicals that can be harmful.
THUMBSUCKING (ARTICLE 5)
- Evaluative praise whether positive or negative can be detrimental. Being told how smart or pretty a child is can be detrimental like being told they're ugly or stupid. Focus on their actions instead.
- Be very careful about what you say around children. They are very impressionable.
- Never call a child names or belittle them
- It is not necessary to constantly praise children for them to have good self esteem. An unending stream of positive statements can do damage. Tailor what you're saying to the situation and behavior. If a child has misbehaved, make sure appropriate limits are enforced
- Be consistent. Being positive and engaging at times, and then indifferent or abusive at other times can be very damaging
- Don't use praise to manipulate
- THE ISSUE OF DISCIPLINE IN RELATION TO AGE (ARTICLE 2) There are as many philosophies about how to discipline a child as there are parents. However, it is always important to match the disciplinary approach to the child's age. Children will respond to certain methods more readily at certain developmental stages than at others.
- 1. Understand the development stage your child is going through. One of the challenges of parenting is that you're dealing with an individual who is growing and changing. Read a good theory-based parenting book to familiarize yourself with what may be age appropriate for your child and some good basic parenting guidelines. "Parenting with Love and Logic" is good. "Systematic Training for Effective Parenting (STEP)" is also good. 2. Build a foundation for good behavior. If you do your work up front, things will most likely be easier down the road. It's never too early to learn how to provide effective discipline. If you're like a lot of people, though, you may not start thinking about it until you run into problems. If this is the case, don't despair; Better late than never. You should understand, however, that it will take some time to turn things around 3. Understand Brain Development. Understanding your child's development is crucial for developing good skills. The effectiveness of your discipline will vary depending on the developmental age of the child: (a). Birth to two At birth the part of the brain which controls impulses (the frontal lobe right behind the forehead) is immature. A huge amount of brain development occurs from birth to two years old. (b). Under one year of age there really isn't any disciplining you can be doing with your child. (i)Focus on meeting the needs of your developing child and trying to foster a secure attachment by being sensitive to cues for feeding, hygiene, sleep, and interaction. (ii). Focus on safety. From one to two years old, safety is a primary concern. A firm no and physically moving the child is appropriate when the child is going somewhere, or touching something that isn't safe for them, followed up by correcting whatever deficiency in the environment that allowed the child access to the unsafe situation. If a child this young is getting into something or going somewhere inappropriate, it's your fault, not the child's. At this stage in your child's development it's the child's job to be curious about the world and try to learn everything he/she can. You can't expect to tell a child this age something and have it obeyed. The part of the brain responsible for controlling behavior in this way is still developing (c). From two years to six years brain development continues. The corpus callosum (connects the two hemispheres) develops and allows the child to process more information. Myelination also continues resulting in increased physical coordination
- The child still requires repetition to remember things so it is important to be patient and willing to repeat things.
- Keep in mind that young children may not always understand the complete meanings of words. Use concrete, real-life examples to help children understand.
- Your child's expanding verbal abilities are going to be increasingly important. (This is where parents of children with disabilities have an extra challenge.)
- Encourage children to use words to express why they are upset (rather than acting out).
- Start to take the time to listen when your child is trying to tell you something. Emotional regulation and impulse control are still developing. Parents should not expect perfection.
- This is a time when the choice between being with everyone if the child can behave or taking a break somewhere else to calm down might be appropriate.
- Children from two to six years old are trying to develop their skills and coordination. They want to participate. They want to do the same things they see older children or adults in their lives doing. Be patient with them. Messes may happen. If possible, let them help you do things like dishes or make dinner. Their lack of coordination may mean that their work doesn't look as good as yours, but you will be helping them develop a sense of accomplishment. Physical activity is important. If you're having a lot of behavior problems with your child, maybe your child could benefit from some more physical activity? A family trip to the park is always fun.
- Six to twelve. Physical development slows (comparatively) during this period. is not as fast from ages six to eleven as it was during the earlier years.
- Continue to have a good routine and consistent expectations.
- Share with your children why you have the rules that you do.
- Family meetings to discuss family business are a good idea.
- Listen to your children's input.
- Let your kids have input into what the rules are. Some responsibilities around the house are a good idea.
- Some kind of a system for an allowance is a good idea. The kids should be allowed to be making some more choices for themselves than when they were younger.
- Having consequences for inappropriate behavior is still important. Loosing TV, computer, or video game privileges are all appropriate.
- If you're just starting to implement some discipline methods or you're changing from less effective methods and your kids are in this age range, it's going to take some time. Realize that your children have gone years at this point under a different system. You need to focus on being consistent, persistent, and making sure all improper behavior has a consequence. This is a big change in your family and consulting a professional may not be a bad idea. Having support in what you're trying to do and a resource for ideas when things are at an impasse could be helpful.
- From 13-18 years of age kids are developing physically and socially. There are a lot of changes going on. As far as discipline goes, you should continue having consistent rules and consequences. Hopefully by now children have had opportunities to make some choices and experience the consequences. Healthy communication skills and understanding what style of parenting you want to use are going to be important. If children haven't had the chance to make choices, it is likely they are going to start doing it now. If you are having problems and are just starting to look into discipline, my advice about consulting a professional is doubled at this age. This is late in the game to be looking at doing something. Don't get discouraged and just give up, however. You still have the opportunity to have a positive impact in your child's life. Any lessons they can learn now about how the consequences of their choices will affect their future will benefit them in their adult lives.
Understand and memorize' the discipline mnemonic which comes directly from the book "Parenting Young Children", (STEP, page 94):
While you are cleaning, are your little ones underfoot and making more messes that you must clean up? Have you ever thought that they might just want to do what you are doing? Small children learn best when doing things along with the one caring for them. You can entertain and teach a small child how to clean by making a game out of it!
A good cleaning game for a small child is chasing dust bunnies. These are the little dust animals that are hiding in the oddest places. As you are cleaning up, entertain a child with a washrag that is only theirs, making a big deal out if it being theirs. If a child has something that no one else has, that's a big deal to them. If need be, write their names on it.
If you are cleaning the kitchen, find places for a child to clean along with you. Talk about how clean everything is going to look with their help. By the time they are older and cleaning for real, you have made good memories with them. Chores can be the biggest entertainment (when they don't look like chores), and you can play the cleaning game for years. Dust bunnies beware!
A small child can tire out easily, so don't push them to help more than they are willing to. Do not get upset with them if they end up making a bigger mess instead of actually cleaning up. The whole idea is to entertain them while also getting some housework done. Children who start early as "Mommy or Daddy's Big Helper" learn teamwork and pride in a job well done. Praise from a parent means more to a child than we will ever know! When everything is done, don't forget to give the young ones a treat. Older helpers get lots of praise and maybe a small treat.
THUMBSUCKING (ARTICLE 5)
Why Does My Child Suck His Thumb?
When Should My Child Stop Thumbsucking?
- The ADA recommends that children should stop sucking thumbs by the time their permanent teeth come in, about the age of 4 or 5. But, most kids stop sucking on their own between the ages of 2-4 years. In addition, whether a child's teeth are affected by thumb sucking depends on the type of sucking they do. More aggressive sucking may have a greater affect on the development of permanent teeth. Some children merely hold their thumbs in their mouths without actually sucking-this may be less detrimental.
- Studies have found that many children who continue to suck after the age of 4 have battled with parents over thumb sucking at an earlier age. Thus, parents may be doing more harm than good by making thumb sucking a power struggle.
- As mentioned, don't forcibly stop your child from thumb sucking as this method may backfire. Older children often continue to suck thumbs merely to win the power struggles set up by their parents. Instead, you want your child to choose to stop sucking on her own
- Distract your child or ignore your child's thumbsucking. For instance, if your child is sucking due to boredom, help him find an activity that he can do to keep his hands occupied. Work on an activity book, coloring, or a craft project. Don't acknowledge the thumbsucking, just keep him busy.
- Praise your child for not sucking. As always, catch her being good.
- Use a reward chart as an incentive to help her stop sucking. Mark her chart at the end of a day without sucking. Have a reward set up for 2-3 days without sucking. Rewards may include dollar store items, crayons, or stickers. See our newest thumb sucking chart in our single behavior chart collection.
- If you notice your child is sucking due to anxiety or distress, address the cause of the discomfort. Talk to your child, reassure him, and distract him so he stops focusing on these uncomfortable feelings. Art is a great way to help children keep their hands busy while addressing anxiety or fear. Have your child draw a picture representing his feelings. While his hands are busy, he won't be sucking his thumb.
- Nighttime sucking is a bit more difficult to stop as children may rely on sucking to help them fall asleep. You might want to set up a special incentive chart just for nighttime. Plan on being available during the night to help comfort your child.
- You can reward your child with a special "nighttime buddy" stuffed animal. Remember, thumbsucking is a way that children self-soothe and comfort themselves. Replacing thumb sucking with the comfort of a new nighttime buddy may help fill this need for comfort and self-soothing during the night.
- Have a friend over for a sleepover. The presence of a peer can provide powerful motivation for a child. Your child may not suck during the night just to prove that she is a ?big girl? like her peer.
- Make a sock puppet to cover your child's hand during the night. This can be a fun activity that you and your child do together. Take an ordinary white sock and turn it into a nighttime friend. Give it a name. Explain that the new puppet friend is going to help your child stop sucking his thumb and that it will keep your child company during the night.
- Most important, don't forget to give positive reinforcement when your child is not sucking. Look at our list of 75 Ways To Say Good Job if you need some reminders. And don't nag, embarrass, or belittle your child for sucking her thumb. This may just make the sucking worse. If you handle thumb sucking in a respectful, positive manner, your child will choose to give it up in his own time!
Check out our behavior charts and stickers designed especially for thumbsucking!
